Spiders and Omelets

Spiders and Omelets


So do you know why you should support your favorite authors and buy their books? Its so they can afford exterminators and ham.

So I head downstairs dreaming of melty, cheesey omelets and I spot the four pack of toilet paper I had chucked down like an hour ago. Feeling like a real adult since I was in the process of not only replacing toilet paper but also about to cook, I’m grinning like an idiot. That was when I saw it. The slightly darkish spot next to the skirt of my couch.

“What the hell?” I put down the toilet paper and mostly empty can of Diet Mug root beer and grab a tissue. It was a spider, holy ever loving fuck was it a spider! With legs sticking out it was bigger than a quarter. So I strike!

And I miss!! Fuck! Fuck! Where is it???

Want to know where it is? It’s running up the back of my couch on a vertical climb heading towards my hair! Agghh

So I am batting at this thing like I am playing whack a mole and finally get it on the floor and in the tissue and smush. Or I think I smush. I feel it moving in my hands. Every follicle of hair on my body just shriveled up and my spine twitched.

“Die!” I put the round tissue covered bump between my fingers and press. I can HEAR IT POP. OMG

So with the heart rate of an Olympic marathon runner after a race I immediately head to the trash can, which in my house is the official resting place for dead bugs.

I head back to the den and pick up my toilet paper and can of root beer. When I look over to the sink I see movement! A largish black beetle scurries across the rug next to my sink. I quickly grab a paper towel and pull back the rug.

He’s not there! Where is he?!! I search frantically but like a Special Forces op, he has disappeared.

(Side note- I am 5’3 so all my pajama pants drag the floor a good 3 inches)

With visions of beetles running up my legs I head to the bathroom to go pee.

I do my business, then remember. My toilet paper is on the kitchen table. I grab one of the disposable paper towels from the cardboard box I keep on the back of my toilet for cleaning and take care of things then go get the toilet paper. I put more on the roll and head back to the kitchen.

I think to myself “Fuck omelets!” I’m not standing down here in bug central!”

So I make myself a ham and cheese sandwich and come back upstairs.

So please support your authors… kay?