Spiders and Omelets

Spiders and Omelets

UpkeepOfAuthor

So do you know why you should support your favorite authors and buy their books? Its so they can afford exterminators and ham.

So I head downstairs dreaming of melty, cheesey omelets and I spot the four pack of toilet paper I had chucked down like an hour ago. Feeling like a real adult since I was in the process of not only replacing toilet paper but also about to cook, I’m grinning like an idiot. That was when I saw it. The slightly darkish spot next to the skirt of my couch.

“What the hell?” I put down the toilet paper and mostly empty can of Diet Mug root beer and grab a tissue. It was a spider, holy ever loving fuck was it a spider! With legs sticking out it was bigger than a quarter. So I strike!

And I miss!! Fuck! Fuck! Where is it???

Want to know where it is? It’s running up the back of my couch on a vertical climb heading towards my hair! Agghh

So I am batting at this thing like I am playing whack a mole and finally get it on the floor and in the tissue and smush. Or I think I smush. I feel it moving in my hands. Every follicle of hair on my body just shriveled up and my spine twitched.

“Die!” I put the round tissue covered bump between my fingers and press. I can HEAR IT POP. OMG

So with the heart rate of an Olympic marathon runner after a race I immediately head to the trash can, which in my house is the official resting place for dead bugs.

I head back to the den and pick up my toilet paper and can of root beer. When I look over to the sink I see movement! A largish black beetle scurries across the rug next to my sink. I quickly grab a paper towel and pull back the rug.

He’s not there! Where is he?!! I search frantically but like a Special Forces op, he has disappeared.

(Side note- I am 5’3 so all my pajama pants drag the floor a good 3 inches)

With visions of beetles running up my legs I head to the bathroom to go pee.

I do my business, then remember. My toilet paper is on the kitchen table. I grab one of the disposable paper towels from the cardboard box I keep on the back of my toilet for cleaning and take care of things then go get the toilet paper. I put more on the roll and head back to the kitchen.

I think to myself “Fuck omelets!” I’m not standing down here in bug central!”

So I make myself a ham and cheese sandwich and come back upstairs.

So please support your authors… kay?