Typical Saturday Night at My House

I posted this a while ago, but it still holds true. Below depicts an average night at my house.

Okay so these bad boys have a story. It’s long so get comfortable.

So I’m upstairs doing my thing, posting on Facebook, writing, cursing Tumblr templates, you know the norm. When I’m like, man I’m kinda hungry and its dark out. Shit. It’s like 10pm. So I turn on the office light and walk my happy self downstairs dreaming of the frozen processed chicken patty that is about to become my happy place when I realize its dark in my kitchen.

That may be normal for most of you but not me.

I live alone, that bad boy is on all the time. I’m like flip, flip, flipflipflipflip!!!
Dammit!

So I turn on the florescent overhead light and wince, the light,, the light. I look over the sink at the normal light that is usually on and I’m feeling betrayed. As I’m looking up I’m like Holy Shit,, that’s kinda high up. I have like 9 foot ceilings. I am like 5’3. Now I’m really grouchy, because I don’t think my short ass is going to be able to even reach this thing without the 40lb aluminum ladder that is conveniently behind my car. Did I mention I was hungry?

I get some crushed ice in my tumbler so that when my tea is done, I’ll be ready to make my iced tea.

As its snowing in my tumbler I get the great idea to make sure I have a lightbulb first. So feeling really proud of myself I go upstairs and sure enough I have a lightbulb. I walk back downstairs and look at this height difference again. Then I figure, I might as well try the step stool, if it doesn’t work I’ve only wasted like 1 minute, but if I could reach I don’t have to wrestle with the ladder.

So I get my step stool out (same trusty step stool that helped me when I was hanging the Christmas lights and fighting my war with the out of season asshole bees– another story)

Score! I can reach……sort of. The step stool basically helped me to stand on the counter, which I’m kinda leary of because it has me straddling my 33” wide double capacity sink.

So I’m pulling on the globe and twisting it, only to discover there is a screw. In the background I hear my cat digging in my candy stash in the dining room. So I’m now in a rush to get this screw undone and get this light bulb in before he gets past a wrapper and into chocolate.

I get the globe off and Son of a Bitch! It isn’t one largish light bulb but two little ones. My bright idea to check to see if I had a light bulb has back fired.

So I unscrew the two little ones and climb down. I go chase Bailey out of the candy and head back upstairs. I dig through my stash and find that I do have two little light bulbs. Yes! My “Just In Case” living pays off now and then.

So I go back downstairs and screw in the new light bulbs and put the globe thing back on. Flip the switch and let there be light! There is the familiar glow that has illuminated my kitchen for the past two years!

I put the step stool back in the garage and put my mug in the microwave to make a cup of tea for my tumbler of iced tea. I get out my frozen chicken patties and when the water is done I pop them into the microwave. As they are cooking and the tea bags are steeping I get my hamburger buns out and begin to add my condiments.

Chicken Sandwich is always= Miracle Whip + Ketchup + Ovals (dill pickles)

I’m almost out of Miracle Whip, I check the date, Aug 13. Damn it. I trudge back to the garage and get a new Miracle Whip. Open up the new Miracle whip and coat my hamburger bun. Its not good unless its messy right?

I open up my Ovals and start digging into the jar, I am of course too lazy to dirty a fork and since its the last of the pickles I just use my fingers. Then my hand sort of gets stuck. Microwave goes off BEEP BEEP BEEP Patties are done.

I’m kinda laughing at myself and working my hand lose, because my fingers are starting to hurt because the pickle juice is freaking cold.

I get my hand out of the jar. BEEP BEEP BEEP. Patties are done.

I rinse off my hand and pour the pickle juice down the drain before throwing the jar away. Now time for ketchup. Squirt! Its the most pathetic squirt in the history of ketchup. Mother Hummer!!!!

Back to the garage I go and get a spare ketchup. BEEP BEEP BEEP, patties are done.

I grrrr at the microwave as I’m using my teeth to get that little seal off from under the cap. I finally am able to get my ketchup! I put the ketchup away.

Buns are ready for chicken.

I look over and my tea looks as dark as coffee. Shit! I forgot it was steeping. So I hurry over and get the sugar down. Not paying attention I pour one tablespoon of sugar over the floating tea bag. Dammit!

BEEP BEEP BEEP. You know what? FUCK YOU MICROWAVE I KNOW THE GOD DAMN PATTIES ARE DONE!!!!

In my rush to get to the tea bags I drop my half filled sugar spoon on the rug. I ignore it and begin to press the tea bag against the side of the mug. I finally lift the tea bags out and throw them away. I pick up the rug and dump the sugar into the sink. I add the sugar to my mug and stir until it dissolves and pour it over my crushed ice.

BEEP BEEP BEEP **sob sob sob**

I finally get over to the microwave pull out my chicken patties and put them on the bun.

Phew

All I wanted was a damn sandwich!